The BIG Kahuna

The hapless Washington Nationals took the field the other night wearing the branded uniforms pictured below:

Yea, the uniforms are spelled incorrectly. Can you imagine a major league team sending their players out in misspelled uniforms? I can’t. I’ve seen major corporations re-print hundreds of thousands of dollars in brochures because someone missed a typo and spelled the company name wrong. Shouldn’t your branding mean something?

If you can’t get your own name right what can you get right?

I’ve been harping on Burger King and Quizno’s about their pathetic, gimmicky advertising so I thought I’d show you how it should be done. Volvo seems to stay on their brand identity of “safety” almost all the time. Ask 10 people on the street what Volvo means and you’ll hear “safety” most of the time. Check out these spots and notice how they leverage their branding.

Now these spots aren’t slick, naughty, funny or anything else but on brand. People buy Volvo’s because their safe. I like how they’re tying in the “Luxury of Life” as well. What do you think?

Not sure what is going on with fast food and branding but apparently making bad, offensive ads are where it’s at. Here’s one from Quizno’s that has references to homosexuality and anything else you can see in this sick, offensive spot.

Some memorable lines:

“Not gonna do that again, I burn” Referring to masochism

“Put it in me, Scott” Referring to the phallic name “Toasty Torpedo”

Seriously, what is the brand strategy here? Gay men that are masochists will want to shop for the “foot long”? I just don’t get it? It’s not funny…whatsoever.

Rebecca Steinfort is responsible for Quiznos? domestic marketing efforts, including building a marketing strategy that attracts and retains guests, determining the overall brand message and media plan, and promoting Quiznos? Delivery and Catering Program. Prior to joining Quiznos in early 2007, she spent seven years in the telecommunications industry in a variety of strategic, product and project management roles.? Rebecca also spent six years consulting to consumer products, retail, and technology companies earlier in her career.

Help me out here, does this ad work?

Last week I wrote about Burger King introducing the Booty Call to 5 year olds. This week they’ve insulted an entire country and race of people. In this spot they feature a little Mexican draped in the Mexico flag. Why is he little in stature compared to the tall cowboy? Because they’ve introduced a “little spicy mexican” to the Whopper, check it out:

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) ? Fast food giant Burger King apologized Tuesday for an advertisement featuring a squat Mexican draped in his country’s flag next to a tall American cowboy and said it would change the campaign. Read about it here.

Obviously Burger King feels that any negative PR or Buzz is helping their effort. Tell me, when did bad advertising get better because of additional buzz? Burger King has been going down this road for years now, they don’t care. About you, or anyone else they’ve offended. To them the more complaints the better.

Here’s the wonderful spot aimed at kids to promote their kids meal:

If any of this offends you make a conscience decision, don’t eat at Burger King.

In a brilliant move to be like their competitors Kentucky Fried Chicken is now Kentucky Grilled Chicken. Read all about it here.

Here’s what their President Roger Eaton says, he spent years as part of the team tinkering with a grilled alternative, and the roll-out follows KFC’s longest market test ever. It will be backed by a marketing blitz.

I can’t wait for the “Marketing Blitz”, how exciting (insert sarcasm).

Okay for what seems like 200 years Kentucky Fried Chicken has branded itself with their “secret recipe”. It worked well and they clearly differentiated themselves in the marketplace, and still do. So why be like everyone else? Here’s what I would have done.

I would have embraced our “finger lickin’ chicken” fatness. If you want to lose weight or eat healthy go to Subway (that’s their positioning) but if you want some really great greasy comfort food that no one else can duplicate eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yummy, sign me up.

Imagine if they just embraced their “fried” brand identity and then implemented their “marketing blitz”. It would fly in the face of health conscience people. Maybe their new tagline could be “Eat Here, Get Fat”. It’s not like we all don’t know what we’re getting into when we visit a KFC. We go there because we WANT it. We know it’s bad for us.

But sales have been down and McDonald’s sells lots of grilled chicken…

Here’s the setting…

Burger King CMO and marketing team want to promote their .99 kids meal featuring Sponge Bob Square Pants. Sounds easy enough? Here’s what they came up with:

There are so many things wrong with this spot I can’t even begin, but here goes.

Target Market: 5-9 year old: Really, you want 6 year olds running around saying “Booty is Booty”, seriously?

Sir Mix Alot should be ashamed for letting this big pile of crap use his song. I’m a child of the 80′s and I loved Baby’s Got Back, but not for my freakin 7 year old.

Burger King has been consistently putting out this whacky advertising. Apparently they think the buzz (good or bad) is worth it. I find their commercials to be weird, creepy and insulting.

I will never, ever again visit a Burger King.