The BIG Kahuna

So the Internet is buzzing over cuil (pronounced “cool”), the new search engine to challenge king Google.

Here are my thoughts:

1. Don’t make a name you can’t pronounce

2. Don’t make a name that requires you to?say “pronounced as”…

3. Oh, and if you’re a search engine trying to take on king Google?make sure the name cuil (you know, your company name)?comes up in your own search results.

p.s. cuil, Google “cuil” and you’ll see yourself at the top of Google’s results, but not your own? Ugh!

Gosh, can’t make this stuff up.

Come on now, say it 3 times fast…

Husqvarna, Husqvarna, Husqvarna

With Group sales in 2007?at?33.3 billion and average number of employees at?16,000…

None of whom can pronounce the corporate name.

Have you seen the new commercials for Best Buy? A woman asks a man if she can help but before she can recommend something she has to “get to know him”.

She then proceeds to perform a Spockish mindmeld. 5 seconds later she suggests a laptop.

Now for some reality…

Every time I’ve EVER been in a Best Buy I’ve had to search down someone to help me. And when I finally found anyone I would hear things like:

1. This isn’t my department

2. I’m new here

3. All the information is written on the tag

No one has ever melded my mind. No one has ever shown enthusiasm for trying to help me. No one has ever had any real product knowledge.

Here’s what I would do if I were Best Buy:

1. Stop wasting money on TV when you can’t deliver on service

2. Train people MUCH better

3. Make service your number 1 priority

4. After that’s all done go ahead and do some TV. But as it stands now these commercials are false and misleading in my opinion.

Has anyone seen the new Yellowbook TV commercial?? The one where the very attractive woman wants to get another mans name (that was tattooed to her lower back) removed. She goes online to a holographic image of a laser removal service to ask questions. That’s just like what Yellowbook delivers huh? Talk about stretching the truth or in this case the product!

They have a new logo:

Wow, sleek and contemporary huh?

Now I just have one question…

If you have an antiquated service does it help to make your identity more hi-tech looking?

When was the last time you used the Yellowbook?

I’ve watched a few episodes of Extreme Makeover Home Edition. If you haven’t seen it the basic premise is they find a family in dire need of a new home. There is usually some horrible human emotional element like a parent has been murdered or someone has a terminal disease. Then they tear down the current house and build an amazing new home (wonder who pays the new tax bill?).

And here’s where it becomes bad. Ultimately this show is about branding. Bad branding. When they put the new appliances in they make sure to show gratuitous close ups of all the logos of the brands. Then they mention the vendors that “donated” to the project. Yada yada.

I’m cool with helping people in need but not at the expense of brand hell. And trust me that’s what this show is really about. Product placement. Why do companies think that by placing products in a show like this that it will build their brand? How do they measure the success of an episode? Can they track sales somehow? If they were giving these products away to be generous they wouldn’t promote them at all, right?

This weeks episode was dominated by Sears. They supplied all of the appliances and they did a breakout to show the family in need how to log onto the Sears website. It was really quite sad to see as a branding guy. Then they close the episode by saying “If you’d like to learn more about the products used go to ABC.com”.

If you want to be a company that has a giving program make sure it doesn’t make you look like there’s something blatantly?in it for you. Because it’s not supposed to be about you.

I started reading Andy Sernovitz blog a few months ago. I liked some of his ideas on word of mouth marketing even if they seemed very trivial to a non mom and pop business. I’m not sure of his target audience but it appears to be small business.

So I started to engage in the conversation. I gave my opinion on one of his remarks here: http://www.damniwish.com/2008/06/advertising-wor.html

He emailed me directly and asked why I was so angry? I said I wasn’t (those that know me certainly know that this was just my opinion). But he was noticeably upset and commented that “branding” people seem to act negatively towards him. I told Andy that I was just offering my opinion even it was different than his own.

Then he made a small little, obscure post on how to make friends: http://www.damniwish.com/2008/06/how-you-can-mak.html

I made a harmless comment that his daycare facility should make the parking lot bigger (need to read the story above). So what does the Word of Mouth Marketing guy do? Censors it. Won’t even post it.

Blogging is all about being transparent and honest. If someone has a different opinion on your blog I say embrace it. Start the lines of communication. You know….word of mouth stuff. The minute you hide behind:

“It was off topic“, or “It was negative in tone” you’re just throwing your little blogging power around. And you’re basically being a coward and you’re showing that you can’t really stand up for your beliefs. I get people posting all the time on my blog saying I’m wrong or giving me their opinion. All of it gets posted whether it’s “off topic” or not.

Andy can do with whatever he wants with his shiny blog. He can censor anyone, he’s the boss. Just look at his blogging policies where he rants for 8 paragraphs of his power over potential visitors (read his tone):

http://www.damniwish.com/2007/05/comment_policy.html

Ah, he’s the only blog I read with such policies. If Andy doesn’t like what you have to say (and by that I mean another view point) he treats you like ordinary SPAM.

I have no policies because there are no rules to blogging. You want to be anonymous, so be it. You want to call me crazy…presto the approved comment button is pressed. I want to hear it whether you want to be anonymous or not. I want you to criticize me whether it’s constructive or not. I want your opinion whether we agree or not.

I’m not afraid of who I am and what my beliefs are, period. To be a truly great blogger you must embrace all the elements of transparency and honesty, not just the one’s that make things a little?easier for you.

Last night my wife and I were watching the Home Run Derby on ESPN. We were totally engaged in the Josh Hamilton story when all the sudden Rick Reilly of ESPN said…

“It’s a?bad night for Atheists”?

I turned to my wife and said “what did he just say”? We then rewound and listened again. This idiot Rick Reilly was referring to the fact that Josh Hamilton had found Jesus. And inferred that because he did he has somehow been rewarded by being able to hit slow pitched baseballs over the wall. He also implied that if you were an Atheist that home run hitting was probably not in your bag.

What a moron. Now I guess Rick Reilly thinks?it’s no big deal to people because he insulted people that don’t believe in God. But let’s change the statement a bit and then see how it looks.

Jews don’t believe in Jesus. So what if it read:

“It’s a?bad night for Jews”?

Isn’t that the same thing? Doesn’t it somehow feel a lot worse? Look, your religious views have no place in announcing anything. Keep them to yourself and announce the freakin event.

ESPN should really offer out a formal apology to Atheists as I’m pretty sure they count as people to.

Isn’t ESPN owned by Disney? That family oriented company?

Full Disclosure: I’m not an Atheist, but does that really matter?

Here’s a very funny blog post on this issue

I read a post over at Andy Sernovitz’s blog today about how High Point University has hired a Director of?Word of Mouth . Andy says first up:

valet parking, outdoor music, ice cream trucks, hot tubs, and free snacks.

Freshman enrollment has tripled.

What really pains me about these word of mouth guys is that Andy thinks this is good news. Freshman enrollment has tripled alright, for kids that want to hot tub and eat ice cream. And if that’s your target market then kudos, you’ve found them.

What’s High Point’s brand identity? How does this ridiculous word of mouth campaign fit into it? What kinds of potential students will they attract as a result of this? The kind that you as an employer want to hire?

Keep your hot tubs and ice cream. Build your brand identity, whatever the heck that may be. And when you want to do word of mouth marketing make sure that it directly ties into your brand identity or your wasting your money, period!

If they really want to increase enrollment I’d give away Kegs every Saturday night.

Sometimes a company just needs a new name:

Barf Soap, seriously. If you’re selling to English speaking consumers at least consider the name of your product because this name makes me want to ________________!

Sometimes you just scratch your head, or in this case your butt. This is no joke, here is a TV ad I just watched on the early news:

The actor in the TV commercial wants you to know that he and his monkey friend Richard are “riding easy”. Wow, thanks for that visual!

And you wonder why I say TV advertising is dead!

?

I’m a big fan of taglines, when done correctly they can propel a brand. When done incorrectly they can be a disaster.

Massachusetts just came out with their new tagline and a pile of cash to drive tourism. Here it is folks:

I wonder how much that cost?the Massachusetts Travel and Tourism Agency? It would literally take me hours to write all that is wrong with this tagline so I’ll just ask a question?

1. What’s all here?

The absolute biggest mistake any company/brand can make is trying to be everything to everyone. This tagline is the epitome of that. Massachusetts is rich in tradition and culture. What the heck does “It’s all here” mean to a tourist? What’s the benefit? Come to Massachusetts we have a high crime rate (isn’t that part of being “all here”). Everything can mean “all here”.

It pains me to see this stuff get approved and then implemented.

What do you think? Is it a good tagline? Let them know:

Massachusetts Office of Travel & Tourism
10 Park Plaza, Suite 4510
Boston, MA 02116 U.S.A.
Phone: (617) 973-8500
Toll-free: (800) 227-MASS (U.S. & Canada)
Fax: (617) 973-8525
email: VacationInfo@state.ma.us

Here’s a state doing it right:

I am one of the first 10,000 business owners to receive a Plum Card. It’s a big deal in American Expresses branding?of the card. Being exclusive is pretty cool right? When I got the card a representative called me to let me know that my spending line would be set at $80,000/month. Perfect.

I’ve used the card for Brand Identity Guru business for about 7 months now (never getting close to the $80,000). As you use the card you develop a “spending habit” with American Express as I’ve learned. Here’s where it gets interesting…

I get a call yesterday from American Express letting me know that my “spending habit” has increased this month (almost double). And they’re a little uneasy with it. She goes on to say that I’m an extremely valued customer with a perfect payment record. But, my card will be placed “on hold” until a payment is received. I’m confused? Payment isn’t due until June 9th and it’s only May 31st I say. Furthermore I’ve already set the payment up with American Express via their online payment center.

I say let me see if I understand you, I pay on time each and every month. And even though payment is not due yet you want me to pay in advance to ease your mind because this month I’ve spent more. Is that correct?

American Expresses response…Pay now or don’t use your Plum Card.

Cool, I’m actually being penalized for spending more…gotta love the American Express branding!

I’m all for a good logo design but no one caught this mishap?

Here’s a case where the two words should obviously be split up. But instead it looks like Kid Sex Change. I can’t make this stuff up ya’ll.

Replace said sign and start again.

I really was a Netflix brand ambassador for a long time. I never had a problem with my service. Until, they changed their website design.

It used to be you could order videos of movies upcoming before they were released. Since the new web deign I don’t see that option. And the navigation is frustrating. So I decided to sign up for Blockbuster Online. I used both services for a few months but ultimately I like the functions Blockbuster gives me (what Netflix use to offer).

So I decided to cancel my membership with Netflix. When I clicked on cancel this is the message I got:
Still Want to Cancel?
Below are several things to keep in mind once you cancel your Netflix Service account.

Cancellation will be effective immediately. There are no refunds for partial months. You can sign up for Netflix Service again at any time; however, you will not be eligible for another free Netflix Service offer.

Outstanding rentals must be returned to Netflix within 7 days of cancellation. If you cancel, you must return all outstanding rentals within 7 days, or we’ll automatically charge your credit card for the unreturned DVDs. No refunds or credits are given for partial months or unwatched movies.

We’ll send you an email confirming your cancellation.

I accept and understand the terms of cancellation and want to cancel my account.

Wow, so much for thanking me for being a good customer and we hope to see you back soon huh? What kind of policy is this to say goodbye to a customer. I guess it’s one that says take off loser, we don’t want you back. Let’s look at step by step:

1. There are no refunds for partial months.Why? If I quit on the 1st I still have to pay for the month? Sorry Netflix this is short sighted. What I would say is You’ll receive a credit for whatever days are left and then thank the customer for their business. How’s this for an approach;

We’re sorry to see you go and hope to once again be able to serve you. You will receive a credit for whatever days are left during your month once all movies have been returned. Doesn’t that sound more inviting Netflix?

2. You can sign up for Netflix Service again at any time; however, you will not be eligible for another free Netflix Service offer.

Fine, what am I trying to scam Netflix into constant free offers? This is offensive to the honest Joe. And I’m certainly not racing back into your arms!

3. If you cancel, you must return all outstanding rentals within 7 days, or we’ll automatically charge your credit card for the unreturned DVDs.

This one is the doozy. As you know while a member I can keep a movie for as long as I’d like. I’ve kept movies for weeks sometimes. It was never a problem with Netflix. Now I cancel and I have a measly 7 days to get all the rentals back or I pay for the movies again? What a jerk move towards the lost customer.

Everything in this cancellation notice is bad. Bad for the customer and ultimately it shows the customer just what Netflix thought of them. Nothing!

So I’ve emptied my que in anticipation of cancelling. Then I’ll send all the movies back, wait for Netflix to confirm receipt (since I have no other movies in my que) and cancel them. Forever.

No one wants to lose a customer but there’s no reason to make them feel bad when they leave. You never know if they may be back.

p.s. Netflix, I most likely would have come back if the website was updated but your policy is just to selfish and antiquated.

In keeping with my series “When Naming Goes Bad” I give you “When logos Go Bad” (genius huh). You have to wonder what putz (pardon the pun)?actually approved this logo without looking at. It’s a bit racy so be prepared:

Is he a computer doctor or a urologist? Can’t make this stuff up folks…

Just like the ripoff they did with the Microsoft logo.? I just received my spam email from President?Brian Reiff (breiff@directhitsolutions.com) that just makes my blood boil. First off if you’re a Search Engine Optimization company you should know the spam rules, shame on you.

But here’s the subject title of this piece of spam, non-viral piece of crapola: “An SEO?Company That Has Lost Their Minds! Funny Video!”

I watched the video. It’s ah, er, horrible. What’s worse is that they made it part of their homepage. It’s just keeps looping on and on. Crap over crap.

They’ve completely violated at least 6?copyright laws by taking the Microsoft, Yahoo and Google logos (maybe they could slip under through parody but it’s not funny). Even still they couldn’t afford the lawsuits by all three of them. Then they ripped off a few songs that I highly doubt they got the licensing for. More lawsuits.

All to get some backlinks to their miserable website. I’m not going to give them the link credit but if you want to view this “video” just go here: http://www/. directhitsolutions.com (broken link on purpose).

They have one page on “brand web design” which is a complete joke as they obviously know nothing of branding. If I were a client I would question a few things:

1. SEO companies that spam are easily persuaded to conduct black hat SEO tactics. Not saying they do, but I’d bet a paycheck on it.

2. Branding is much more than web design (marketing 101).

More on this topic at Make the Logo Bigger.

My thoughts, these guys are amateurs, avoid them. What say you?

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the brand name “Hustler“?

Is it turf equipment?

or

Naked women?

or

Slang for male prostitute, pimp or drug dealer (according to Wikipedia)

Never mind the bad jokes of mowing lawns….

Do a search in Google for “Hustler Lawn Mower” and you’ll see this:

Welcome to the Hustler Website

Seriously folks,?I can’t make this stuff up. Here’s the email to the President, Paul Mullet?of Hustler: President@hustlerturf.com. Ask him why they would want their brand of mowing equipment confused with cheesy porn.

Now I know why they named?their company Hustler. Because their mowers are fast, yada yada.. But come on people… Hustler? Couldn’t they have come up with another name that meant Hustle? Like Velocity or Speed type names? Anything BUT Hustler!

Here’s a link to their video?and check out their line “when you think golf, think Hustler”.

Sorry this one goes on the branding wall of shame. Call us Hustler, we’ll fix you up!

This my friends is real, not a spoof. You might think it’s a spoof at first but, ah, it’s not. It’s sad is what it is.

So you’ve probably read my series on “When Product Naming Goes Bad”. If you haven’t click around for some laughs. Now I take this one step further to a firms URL. Which is obviously part of one’s corporate identity.

So here are a few examples of URL’s (or corporate names) gone terribly wrong:

Company Name: Pen Island – URL: http://www.penisland.net/?(reads penis land) seriously folks, not making this stuff up!

?Here’s a few more I found over at Independent Sources?(posted in 2006):

Company Name: Who Represents – URL: http://www.whorepresents.com/?(reads -?whore presents)

Company Name: Therapist Finder – URL: http://www.therapistfinder.com/?(reads -?the rapist finder)

Company Name: Speed Of Art – URL: http://www.speedofart.com/?(reads -?speed o fart)

Company Name: Go Tahoe – URL: http://www.gotahoe.com?(reads -?got a hoe)

Seriously these URL’s are mind boggling. And what’s even more mind boggling is that they haven’t been changed. Why keep these URL’s? Someone, anyone make a case for them.

Yahoo! is doing everything it can to avoid Microsoft buying them. They are begging Google (funny to think about) and hoping to partner with AOL. AOL? Are they even around still? Who uses AOL?

Yahoo!, listen up. Your problem is simple and straightforward. Besides the bad management over the years you lack one thing.

?Brand Identity.

Who are you? Why should I care about you? What do you offer me that’s, say, different? Answer those questions and maybe you can take care of your company. Instead of trying to partner with another brand identity-less company like AOL fix your freakin problems.

Google = search, plain and simple. I get Google. I use Google for ALL my internet searching. Yahoo! tries to be everything to everyone. Are you a search tool or news source? You are Sybil on steroids.

Determine what the soul of your company is and how you want to be perceived and maybe you can turn your company around. Until that time you’ll just be another internet stop for users passing by.